Back story (because you know there is one):
I have not been recovering well as I’ve begun my journey to total body wellness. I think normal people call it “working out”. I’ve been crippled. I’m sore. I’m cranky. My eyelids hurt, people. Eyelids. I have had to recover with rounds of Aleve, Sportscreme, a heating pad, long, hot baths in Epsom salt, and special calls to Jesus. I’ve joked on Twitter that I may or may not have needed a walker. I will not validate that statement except to say yes. All of the above.
[B.Fam walks into the bathroom while I'm in a tub of water he's run for me; yes, the children were in the bed]
Him: It’s me. I’m just checking on you, see how you’re doing.
Me: Heh. Heh-heh. Funny you should ask. Have you checked Facebook?
Him: Uh oh. No. I feel like this is going to make me mad at you.
Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Him: Ain’t that about nothin’. I try to do something nice for my wife, and this is how you do me.
Him: I’m sorry. I’m sorry you didn’t check the water before you got in it.
Me: WHAT?! Oh no. No you don’t. You said the water was at ‘optimal temperature’ before I got in it. I just want to know what’s optimal about the bowels of Hell! That’s all I’m sayin’.
Him: Mm-hmm. I made that water hot with my love for you.
Me: [laughing] Don’t you do that. First you tell me it’s my fault the water was too hot, then you make me feel bad for telling you the water was too hot because you did something nice for me.
Him: I mean, really. Who doesn’t check the water with a finger. A big toe. Something.
Me: YOU SAID ‘OPTIMAL. TEMPERATURE.’
Him: Who just jumps their butt in the tub without checking first?
Me: I’m done. I’m not talking to you anymore.
Him: [laughing] Alright. You’re right. I should have checked the water. I’m sorry.
Me: [eyeballs him sternly]
Him: I’m serious. All jokes aside. It didn’t feel that hot to me.
Me: Because your hands are made of–
Him: What? Say it?
Him: YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE THE LAST WORD, DON’T YOU? THEN YOU PUT ALL MY BUSINESS OUT THERE ON FACEBOOK! HAVE EVERYBODY THINKING I’M TRYING TO KILL YOU! THAT’S IT! I’M NOT DOING ANOTHER NICE THING FOR YOU. DO YOU NEED SOME MORE ICED TEA?
Me: No, honey, I’m fine. Thank you.
Him: YOU’RE WELCOME!
[After the bath, sitting at the kitchen table, typing at my laptop, laughing to myself, B.Fam comes up from the basement stairs...]
Him: What’s so funny?
Me: Nothing. You.
Him: What’d I do?
Him: What’d I do?
Me: [keeps laughing]
Him: You’re just going to have me standing here looking stupid, asking you “What’d I do” over and over again?
Me: Oh. Just laughing at you and the hot water.
Him: Oh. Ha ha. Yeah. [walks over to me, looks down at monitor] …And now you’re documenting it for all the world to see, aren’t you?
Me: Aw, man, c’mon. Don’t be that way.
Him: [sings this song and walks away]